Of Life....... Craziness....... And Loneliness.......

A couple of days ago I got tired of life as it was, and decided to make some changes. One thing led to another and I ended up doing quite a few crazy things.

For a long time now I'd been contemplating shutting down my Orkut profile and taking this blog of mine off the air, last week I finally took the Orkut profile off air and set up a new one at a new address. The blog faced a slightly lenient treatment though... It just shifted base. Though I've given different reasons to different people for this bout of craziness, the actual reason has been, and is, my need to find out how many of my 170 friends and 57 odd fans there actually noticed this deletion.

A friend of mine tried very hard to convince me not to delete me Orkut profile, she tried her very best to make me see some sense, but alas her arguments didn't prove strong enough to deter me from my intentions. She told me that my decision was very stupid. And, that I'd come to regret it overtime. Today, just two to three days after having taken the momentous step regret seems to gnawing at me deeply...... Though not for the same reasons she predicted. Over the past couple of years I've grown quite fond of one of my ids , this is the same e-mail address that I use to subscribe to any and every service I use, it used to be the address which hosted my original Orkut Profile. The reason behind my pangs of regret is the fact that I can no longer depend on the convenience of just signing into one account to handle all my correspondence.

Earlier the plan was to move back to the my old id after a couple a months, but it looks like I'm gonna end up doing it sooner rather later..... For all I know, probably in the week to come...... Talk about weird!!!!

This past week has also lead me to realise that it is a folly, wanting to believe that other people will actually want to find some time in their life for me, I mean why should they? In today's social environment people don't really seem to have any time to relate with people at a personal level, it all ends up being more or less superficial. It is highly unlikely for a friend, or even a family member to call another just to catch up, there always seems to be an ulterior motive for such interactions. Inadvertently making it very difficult for people to connect. Hence, a feeling of stifling loneliness seems to be overshadowing my every step.

The mood of the moment seems to have me believing that behind ever bright Morning lies a darker and longer Night. And, has as usual left me reminiscing the lighter moments of my life, in the shadow of far darker visions......

A View.....

There are some feelings that I have a really hard time putting down... But, today while going through a friends blog... I found something that I've always wanted to portray in some way or another, that he has actually been put down into words..... So, check out the post people.......

Paranoia...... Or is it???

I've been a bit out of sync with tech news these past few months........ Not, that I was very informed to begin with, but when I heard the rumour that Google had launched the Beta version of Google Wallet in the States....... I started getting some really weird thoughts!!! Thought I'd share them with you guys o'er here......

Today, A major chunk of our net usage seems to land Google's way. I don't really know how many Google services most of my friends use, but I recently realised that I seem to be using quite a big bunch of them. Let's count:

1. This blog of mine is hosted by Google (Blogger being a Google product).
2. My Primary Mail Accounts are Gmail Accounts.
3. I've almost completely become dependent on Orkut for my daily dose of Social Networking.
4. Instead of making use of my Organiser in MS Outlook, I've started using Google Calendars due to its 'portability'.
5. I have begun using the Personalized Search service offered by Google, to try and streamline the results I receive.
6. I use Google's Picasa Web Albums to maintain a few private albums.
7. I've also started using some other Google Tools like their Webmaster tools and Google Analytics.

But, this isn't really the end of it, I'm pretty sure that I use some other Google Services as well, some that have just sort of slipped out of my mind right now. Now, if we were to go through this list all over again from a voyeur's point of view, the following conclusions could very well be drawn:

• Google, thanks to my blog, knows quite a lot of the itty-bitty details of my life.
• Google knows everything about my communication with my friends, colleagues, family etc.
• Google knows most, if not all of my friends, and also knows about my interaction with them.
• Google knows everything about how I manage my time, or at least the little of it that I do try to manage.
• Google knows exactly what I am searching for on the net, the frequency of my search and even my level of satisfaction with the result.
• Google knows what I look like and where I've been.
• Google knows who has been-a-visiting at my blog and what they've found most interesting here.

Now, if we were to compare this small list to the actual services Google has on offer, we could very well come to the conclusion that Google has become the proverbial Big Brother. Say, we were to use in addition to these aforementioned services, a prevalent and rather popular Google service like the Google Toolbar with its advanced features activated, Google would know exactly when and where we've been on the World Wide Web, thanks to its PageRank crawler. Also, had Google launched it's Dodgeball.com Social Networking Service in India, and had we subscribed to that as well, Google could and would very well know exactly when and where we were in the real world as well. And, when you think about the services I haven't even mentioned as yet like Froogle, and the soon to be released service, Wallet, Google would not only know what we were shopping for, it'd would also know exactly how much dough we have left to spare, you can really get the jitters.

Though the implications of these thoughts did seem a little profound when they first saw the light of day in my mind, they do seem a lot less scary now. The reason behind this being that I am too insignificant a person to hold too much value for so large an entity. I'll take your leave now, and hope that some of you do continue this discussion in your comments to this post. I do hope to continue with this thread a little later on though.......

An Interesting Fact.........

Recently, while turning the pages of a technology magazine I came across a few interesting figures........... (More about this a little later along this post.)

I have often noticed how much more appeal and elegance a simplistic all-white page has to offer, but I still preffered to opt for this dull, black page. The reason at the time when I chose this template was the gloomy shadow following me.......... However, a couple of days ago while going through that aforementioned magazine my eyes fell across the following paragraph :

"An all-white page uses about 74 watts to display, while an all-black page uses only 59. If you do some maths, A Black Google Page could save 3,000 megawatt-hours a year - meaning $300,000 (Rs. 1.35 Crore)"

I am really fond of the simplistic Google page and I probably wouldn't change it for anything, specially not for a Black Page! To me, White represents a clarity of thought, it allows me to revel in the zest for a less complicated life. It brings clarity to everything around it, illumines the darker aspects of everything, driving them further away. But, being the pessimist that I am, it's one colour that I try not to don for any occasion, always choosing some other shade to its pure form.

It seems to represent a clash of beliefs in such circumstances, or rather, a clash of principles. But, it does give me another reason in support of my template, doesn't it??? I mean, the fact that I am saving a little of your money for you should make you a little biased in favour of me, shouldn't it??!! I really hope it does.............

Delhi : Infrastructure...............

Delhi 2010 - This seems to be the mantra behind the soaring inflation in Delhi NCR. India 2050 - the New Superpower on the block is yet another reason for this nationwide phenomena. The preparation for the Commonwealth Games has greatly enhanced Delhi infrastructurally. But, a lot needs to be done still. The transport system needs overhauling!!!

Lets take the Bus Transport System for instance. What we really need in this city is a unified rate system. Today, even though the city has both DTC and Private Operators running on the same routes, the Private Buses are always overflowing, while the DTC Buses rarely even utilise their full capacity. Despite their providing better seating and faster transit, the DTC buses lose out to ill equipped Private ones due to their 'competitive' pricing. The High Capacity Bus System Corridors introduced recently have not really eased any of the load on the other buses plying on these routes, as even they seem to carry only a fraction of their capacity.

I don't know how many of you have noticed the new Bus Stands being put up across the city, but one thing I have to acknowledge about them is their quality, made from stainless steel, these modern structures are a God send, a sight for sore eyes.............

The introduction of more Radio Taxis in the city is a boon that the city hasn't as yet been able to acknowledge and appreciate, because of the small numbers that have been deployed. The induction of these taxis into mainstream service will provide accountability, safety and surety of service.

The next step along this path should be to slowly and steadily reduce Rickshaws and Auto rickshaws on the capital's streets. This would really enhance the quality of traffic on the roads. And hence, make the roads relatively safer. This however cannot be done until after the tariffs for the Taxi Services are brought down to a level more affordable by the poorer sections of the society.

One thing that could surely and certainly change the face of Delhi as it is today, is a ban on spitting and throwing rubbish in public areas, implemented very strictly across the whole region. Cause this seems to be a recurring ailment in not most, but the Whole of the country. And, even if a small section of the country is cured of this, it would have a huge impact on the whole by providing the country with inspiration from one of its own, rather than some outside influence.........................

Another change long over due is the cleanup of the river. What we need here is technology and expertise like that used to improve the Thames river, or was used in some regions in China. Once this is done, the river can then be developed to host certain kinds of water sports activities and also to provide another medium of travel in certain regions, specially if hovercrafts are used.

These changes I have mentioned are some that could make this city one of the more advanced cities of the world. But, this is only the tip of the iceberg. Hope to delve deeper into the subject at a later date............ Though obviously my thoughts in this matter are not those of a professional, but are from personal viewpoint, I believe that if we were to accommodate them, they really would improve the quality of life in the city manifold. Hoping to see some of this in action in the near future.............

A Realisation

Today in a conversation with a friend, she kinda forced me to realise how much I seem to be missing out in life........... What I find odd is not what she said............... but, how far she was able to convince me with such a small collection of words.................

These past few years my circle of good friends has grown increasingly smaller owing to quite a few of them moving away................. These days meeting up with anyone, close or far has become an ordeal of sorts............ Not because I don't want to meet up with them............ It's just that life seems to have taken a turn, and entered a long and wide lane, a loner's path, if I may call it so. The width of the lane making it very difficult to change direction........... to cross paths with anyone.......... It is a feeling not unlike that which astronauts might feel in zero gravity........... Apart from the fact that this definitely seems to be far more restrictive.................. Leaving you clawing at nothing..............With nothing around you that you could possibly use to jettison yourself towards better regions....................

Hopefully, this situation will change for the better............. Hopefully, I'll be able to emulate and imbibe some of her outlook............. But the change, though required greatly, probably won't be visible anytime in the near future................. Only time might tell..................

A Reality Check And An Apology (In A Wierd Round About Sort Of Way)........

Every year I take time some time out to make a couple of lists.............. One, of people I know or remember........ And the other, of people who've taken care to take some time out for me.............. This year, like very other year since I started this practise, seems to show the same trends............... A jump in the former and a decrease in the latter..................

A little while back I said something rather tactless to a friend, something that practically caused a simmering pot to blow up in my face (Saying to someone that 'you're an interesting study', is definitley a dampner, init??!!).............. The reason for the statement I made has its root in the large amount of time I've started allowing my mind to wander. The basis for the statement was not the person's personal life, but the result of my pondering over the person's characteristic outlook, and how it keeps shocking me with new insights all the time........ I am probably wrong in spending my time trying to decide what I think of someone, everyone............. But unlike, probably, most other people I can never really decide what to think of anyone..............

The above anecdote will probably remove another person from the latter list, considering the volatile mood the person seems to be in currently........... But, then I think this is the only way to try and explain my point of view to people.................... And to try and apologise for any offence given................

Project : Day 5

Finally................. Some progress made............. Finally the hand has started flowing across the sheets................. Instead of jerking across it..................... The sketches still don't match upto my expectations.................. But, after so long with naught a pencil in my hand, they seem quite nice to me.................... Decent, if not good...............

Project : Day 3

This seems to have been the worst time for me to have started on this project........... Every day seems to be a harbinger of some new obstacle that needs to be overcome.............. Yesterday, I spent the whole day shopping............... Didn't get any time to do anything about the sketches............ By evening, I was tired and depressed................... Infact I still am.............. My mind seems to be a swirling mass of dark portents........... Things that seem to be slowly and steadily pulling me towards a breakdown on a massive scale.................. I really hope I can do something about it in time....................

Scared........ Confused................. and Broken.........

I really am unable to comprehend what I end up doing wrong.............. I seem to have made a lot of mistakes in life............. and now the burden of living with them is getting a bit too much to bear.............

I really can't seem to understand what I want from life either................. Where I really want to be............ and whom I want beside me for the journey................... Whether I want anyone beside me at all................

There are days when I think I need to just put an end to everything............ Take my life off the track and head somewhere else, in some other direction............. Where I am an unknown entity among millions of other unknowns.............. Forging no bonds with anyone.................... But I don't have the will to do that either..................

I really wish I had though................ I really wish I had.................

Project : Day 2

A complete FIASCO............... That's the only way to describe my second day into this attempt...... Not because I wasn't able to make any sketches.......... But, because I wasn't even able to get my hands on the sketching pad.............. Being busy with the formatting and optimisation of my PC......................... Lets hope the next 24 hours prove fruitful.......... Wot say???

Project : Day 1

Yesterday I decided to embark on a long journey........ A very creative journey..........

The Plan : Fill my sketch book with new sketches......... Both Portrait and Landscape..........

The Beginning : I decided to take up some snaps I came across as the subject for my first sketches. Spent two whole hours trying to make one face......... with no luck......... None at all.........

The Conclusion at the end of the first 24 hours : I've completely lost my ability to make complex sketches..... Seems like I'll need to start working with simpler subjects again............

25 Things I Wish To Do Before I Die.........

No one actually tagged me.......... But, I thought I'd do a list of mine too.........

1. I want to improve my hold on my temper, and learn how to be patient........ ( Really regret my hastiness.... it truly breeds complications......)
2. I want to visit all the virgin beaches in the world (on a more realistic note, at least some of them, and for all those dirty minds out there I meant untouched by regular use, as is obvious).
3. Learn how to code an Operating System.......... Now, that would be tough!!!
4. Design a building similar or more advanced than the proposed Japanese Skycity, but for India.........
5. Introduce the architects and developers of our country, or at least try and educate some of them, to the building and aesthetic techniques of their counterparts in Singapore.
6. Mould and influence the Indian Infrastructure scene in such a way that it mirrors and betters the current bests......
7. Take the Moral police of India to task.............. Why ban channels and movies??? Let the public decide..............
8. Improve my command on the English language............ far from learning a new language I really need to tighten my grasp on English............. Seem to have lost my Vocabulary somewhere................
9. Learn how to paint............. Drawing and Sketching seem fine........ but Painting needs lots of improvement.
10. Become a top-notch blogger (How could I've forgotten that??!!!).......
11. Learn how to cook a gourmet's delight................. Food that any foodie would adore!!!!
12. Improve my skills at swimming.............
13. Go for treks at least once every year.................
14. Learn how to create Anime............. That's gonna be one of my hardest endeavours........
15. Own a library to rival the British Library.......... Filled with books that I want to read.........
16. Learn how to enliven my life........... Learn to live, laugh and Njoy!!!! To rediscover the zest to live life to the fullest................. And thus, Rediscover Myself!!!!!
17. Discover paradise on earth.......... Visit the most picturesque regions along India's coast.........
18. Own a house like the one's they show on Discovery Travel and Living's Amazing Vacation Homes............... (Borrowing from the best, and more besides.........)
19. Own an Island in the Pacific Ocean................(with a nice villa, some fast moves, read: some cars, bikes......., a couple of private jets...........Sigh!!)
20. Get a Post Graduate Degree from Harvard/Yale/Princeton..........
21. Reacquaint myself with all friends lost and gained............
22. Discover a reason to succeed in life........... haven't found one as yet................
23. Discover what makes the world tick........... what makes people do what they do...........
24. Write at least one bestseller..................
25. Discover some cheat codes to the game called LIFE!!!!!!

Well, that completes my list of things I wish to do...............Not in any particular order, mind you.............. as there are still many, many more that no one will ever know about............. All yours to comment on................. Tally ho!!!!